Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars
(After the intro, we cut to the G-man at his desk in his room) G-man: Hello, everyone! I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that. In 1994, Nintendo and Square, the publishers of the Final Fantasy series, teamed up to create a game. This game had a lasting impact on the Super Nintendo, and as far as I know, this was the only game Square made alongside Nintendo. Its name? Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars! (The Forest Maze theme starts as clips of the game begin to play) G-man (V.O): Along with the Paper Mario and Mario & Luigi series, this game was the first turn-based battle game with a Mario theme. You join Mario and his friends on quest to save the world from- (The text "NO SPOILERS!" in all capital letters pops up as a buzzer sound is heard. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Okay, damn! I won’t spoil it! (He looks around before whispering) Smithy. (A boxing glove comes out of the left side of the screen and punches the G-man who grunts and falls over out of his chair. After a while, he gets back up) This is Super Mario RPG… G-man (V.O): We open with Princess Peach, who for some reason is named Princess Toadstool in this game, being kidnapped by Bowser. As she does. Luckily, Mario sets off to Bowser’s castle to rescue her. Once there, we fight a couple of Bowser’s guards. Here we get a look at the controls. A is attack, B is either defend or flee, X is use in item, and Y is your special attack. After that, we fight Bowser. Toadstool: Don’t let Bowser bruise you, Mario! Bowser: Mario! Prepare yourself for the great beyond! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: That’s a scary thought! I mean, your favorite video game character dying brutally? Yeah, that’s not exactly what I was picturing when I got this game! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): In this first boss fight, you don’t attack Bowser, you attack the chain that’s holding up the chandelier he’s on. Bowser: It’s a chain reaction!! (Cut back to the G-man banging his head on his desk for a brief moment before we cut back to the game. Mario jumps on Bowser) Bowser: Fungah! Foiled again! G-man (V.O): Who comes up with these lines…? Anyway, before Mario can untie Toadstool, the castle begins to shake. A giant sword strikes through the top of the castle and Mario is flung out. But he conveniently falls into a warp pipe that on the top of his house. Toad: Hey, Mario! Lots of people use something called a “door” to go in and out of their houses… (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Wow, Toad. The hero of the Mushroom Kingdom is seriously injured, and you make a joke. You are literally the worst video game character ever! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): Mario goes back to the castle, but the sword tells him that it now belongs to a group called the Smithy Gang. Afterwards, he destroys the bridge to the entrance. (There’s a moment of silence before the G-man speaks again) You know, I can’t help but wonder if the designers were drunk when they were making this game… (Cut to later in the game. Mario is back home talking to Toad) Toad: You’re back so soon! Did you forget something? No? What happened then? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: What happened is I found out that the Purge was meant to be taken seriously. I know, shocking! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): Toad suggests that we see the chancellor in the Mushroom Kingdom castle, but before we get there, Toad’s dumb ass damages us by crashing into us "on accident". He tells us how to use items which IS useful, but then he asks us this when a Goomba comes into frame: Toad: Ack, I remember! I came to warn you that Mushroom Way is swarming with monsters! I just barely made it back in one piece! Mario, please do something. Perhaps I can help. Do you know about “Timed Hits”? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Are you seriously asking Mario, THE Super Mario, if he knows how to fight?! Have you SEEN his games?! You’ve been in some of them! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): In Mushroom Way, Toad’s dumb ass gets cornered by a couple of Goombas, but after we save him, he gives us something called "Honey Syrup". Is it sticky enough so that he shuts his trap for once? (An explosion is heard as we cut back to the G-man looking to his right in shock) G-man: Aw, great! I broke the… (He looks closer to his right) Toad insult counter? Why do I have that? (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): Throughout, we level up and learn new attacks. Making us… (Along with Kanye West) Harder, better, faster, stronger! (Solo) When we catch up to Toad, we find him kidnaped by a Hammer Brother. Starting our first boss fight. After defeating him, we get his hammer. We then head to the Mushroom Kingdom to talk to the Chancellor. Chancellor: Mario! Thank goodness you’re here! We heard an explosion or something at Bowser’s Keep. It was so loud I almost dropped my spores!!! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: A chancellor the does shrooms? Lock him up, boys! (The iron bars texture from Minecraft overlaps the Chancellor. Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): Through some form of charades, Mario tells, or gestures, everything that happened so far. Chancellor: Egad! The keep is unassailable?! What awful power is at work here?! Mario… Her life is in your hands. Please, save our deer Princess! G-man (V.O): Before we leave, not only does the Chancellor give us a map, but he also tells us to go down to the cellar to prepare for our journey. But let’s explore for a bit. (Cut to inside Toadstool’s bedroom. The G-man controls Mario to examine behind the fireplace. The text "Found Toadstools ???" pops up) Uh… (Cut back to the G-man looking disbelieved) G-man: What the hell is that? We’re not given a clear explanation as to what it really is, so for all we know, it could be her- (The screen suddenly goes to static, and then the technical difficulties screen from the Simpsons pops up. After it ends, we cut to static, then back to the G-man looking confused) G-man: What? I’m not allowed to make a sexual reference? (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): When we get back outside, we meet a new character named Mallow. Mallow: I’m Mallow from Tadpole Pond. I’m a frog, but can you believe it? I can’t jump. Embarrassing, huh? (Cut to a zoom-in on Mallow. He’s a cloud-like character that looks nothing like a frog) G-man (V.O): Clearly. (Cut back to the original camera position) He explains that some guy named Croco stole his grandpa’s coin that needs to but something. But it’s not like he can ask Mario for one! Anyway, in Bandit’s Way, we chase Croco until he forces us to fight him. Thus, starting a boss fight. Afterwards, we get the coin back and return to the Mushroom King- (Cut to the Mushroom Kingdom. It’s overrun by enemies called Shysters. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Alright, who left Luigi in charge? (There’s a moment of silence before the G-man speaks again) This isn’t a joke. I’m legitimately curious. Which one of you bastards did it? (Pinkie Pie pops her head in from the right side of the screen) Pinkie: I blame the Chancellor. G-man: The Chancellor it is. (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): When we enter the castle, we find that these "Shysters" are coming from the throne room where they’re keeping the Chancellor hostage. After entering, we find their leader, Mack. Whom, along with four Shysters, attack. Beginning a boss fight. After defeating him, we find a large, blue star. Could this be one of the seven stars? Mallow: Mario! I’m in your debt, too. Let’s head over to Grandpa’s place in Tadpole Pond. He can help! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Okay, so now on to- (He gets cut off as we cut back to the game) Mallow: Wait… Why did I even come to Mushroom Kingdom in the first place? (Cut back to the G-man facepalming) G-man: Are you sure you and Toad aren’t related? You’ve got the same brain size! (Cut back to the game) G-man: The next location we go to is Kero Sewers. Before we enter, Mallow warns us about someone named… (The text box mentions Belome) Belome? (Sounds like “Below me?”) This is a kid’s game! What’s with all the sexual references?! (Cut to later in the game) Nonetheless, we reach Belome and we start up a boss fight. After we beat him, we get sent down a waterfall and through a river. Afterwards, Mario gets a new weapon: A NokNok Shell. When we get to Tadpole Pond, we meet Frogfucius. Frogfucius: That Smithy character that appeared at Bowser’s keep… He is quite formidable, yes? And, Mario, you wish to rescue the princess quickly, do you not? But, oh! If only you knew the truth Toadstool is no longer there! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Well, there goes our hard work! To recap, some guy named Smithy invaded Mario World and took over Bowser’s Keep. Both Bowser and Toadstool are out somewhere, and the stars are for defeating him. Anything else? (Cut back to the game) Frogfucius: Mallow, my boy, I’ve kept this from you until now, but you’re… Not a tadpole!!! (Cut to a clip from Family Guy) Chris: Whaaaaaaat?! (Cut back to the game) Frogfucius: I was sitting here one rainy day enjoying a snack of crickets… When I happened to see a blanket floating down from the falls. I peeked inside and saw a little baby staring back at me! The name "Mallow" was written on his belt. I felt sorry for the little bundle of puff and took him in to raise as my own grandchild. He had powerful magic, and I knew he was more than a piece of fluff. I thought, “Surely, this child must be from some far-off land.”. (Cut back to the G-man looking saddened. He rubs his right thumb and index finger together as a violin sound is heard. He then notices the camera and stops rubbing his fingers) G-man: What? It’s the world’s smallest violin! Screw you! (Cut back to the game) Mallow: Grandpa… You mean, I’m not… A tadpole? (Cut back to the G-man shrugging with the "Wah-Wah-Wah!" music playing in the background) G-man: Hate to be that guy, am I right? (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): Frogfucius tells us to go to a place called Rose Town to help the residents. Before we leave, he gives Mallow a new weapon. A… Froggie Stick? What kind of weapon is that? Would that actually work in a fight? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Don’t fuck with me! (He holds up a stick) I’ve got a Froggie Stick! (A laugh track is heard as the G-man looks around in shock) Oh, screw you guys! My grandpa says it’s powerful! (The laughter continues) That’s it! Thunderbolt! (He raises the stick and lightning graphic flashes briefly as the laughter stops) Bitches… (Cut back to the game. We’re now at Rose Way) G-man (V.O): On our way to Rose Town, we encounter Bowser talking to his troops. He tells them that they are quote end-quote "Invincible" and that they’re heading back to his castle. When we get to Rose Town, we quickly learn that arrows are coming out of the sky and are freezing the residents like statues. Or… Scarecrows? (Cut to later in the game) We enter someone’s house where we meet a kid named Gaz. (Cut to a picture of Gaz from Invader Zim, and then back to the G-man) G-man: Okay, this joke has officially run its course. (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): Anyway, Gaz’s mother asks us to play with him, and he brings out a doll that he calls "Geno". (The text “Plot Point Alert” pops up as a siren is heard. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Okay, this joke, too. (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): Mario gets knocked out by Gaz’s toy, and while he’s unconscious, a small star turns Geno into a real Pinocchio situation. When we wake up, we go into the Forest Maze to look for the source of the arrows. And can I just the Forest Maze song is catchy as hell? (Part of said song plays. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: This theme was so popular, that many people made lyrics to go along with it. (Cut back to the game. As the song plays, lyrics pop up that correspond to what the G-man is singing) G-man (V.O singing): Super Mario-oh RPG! It is the only one just for me! When I play the game, I get lost in the phase, then I find out I’m stuck in Geno’s maze! (Talking) Later on, we follow Geno. Here, you simply follow where he goes. If you don’t, you’ll get horribly lost! But, hey! At least you’ll have this catchy tune! (He starts singing again as the lyrics return) There are many secrets in this game! Many of which drive some peeps insane! Why’d you try to cheat in a really good game? Just sounds like crap, and it makes you look lame! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man (Talking): Heh! I love this job! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): At the end of the maze, we encounter the source of the arrows: Bowyer. Bowyer: 997! 998! 999! 1000! Nya ha ha! 1000 arrows! For cover they run, nya! FUN this is, yes. Nya! Another 1000 will I shoot! Mallow: Mario, who IS that guy? He must be the one shooting arrows at Rose Town! G-man (V.O): Yeah, this guy has issues. (He pulls out his Lego Gun) Let’s kick his ass. (Mario attempts to run up to Bowyer, but Mallow stops him) Mallow: Who do you think you are, Bruce Lee? You can’t just go in there with your fists flying like that! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Did Mallow just reference the late Bruce Lee? That… (He chuckles a bit) Okay, that’s funny! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): One of Bowyer’s minions finds another one of the seven stars, when Geno appears and forces him to return it to him. Geno: Hold it right there! You don’t know what you’re doing. RETURN that star to me! G-man (V.O): Bowyer refuses, and we begin a boss fight. Afterwards, the being possessing Geno tells us that his real name is… (The fallowing symbols appear: Heart, music note, exclamation mark, question mark) Uh… Let’s just call him "Geno". He says that he’s a messenger from above who has a mission to retrieve the seven stars. Afterwards, he joins Mario and Mallow on their quest. He also explains that the Star Road is broken and the sevens stars are the pieces. However, one of the living arrows goes off to inform someone by the name of Smithy. (Cut back to the G-man looking to the left offscreen) G-man: Ha! I told you it wasn’t a spoiler! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): If you go back to the Inn and stay a night, you’ll get a pretty cool Easter egg: Either Link from the Legend of Zelda, or Samus from Metroid will be sleeping in the bed that’s next to yours. Up next, we go to a place called Moleville where not only the next star is, but also Bowser. Bowser: Shut up, all of you! I’m the biggest, baddest brute around, and don’t you forget it! But if Mario hears that I’ve been kicked out of my own castle… My reputation will be ruined! Even I have an image to keep up you know! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Yes, and that image is made up of racing go-karts and playing tennis. (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): When we enter the mine, we learn that some mole kids and their father are trapped when the third star crashed. When we enter the mine, we jump on a trampoline that knocks us out. While we’re unconscious, Croco steals our coins. Why is it here? It just starts this tedious chase scene. I mean, we DO get a bomb to rescue the kids, but is there really no better way to start this? Anyway, we get to a bomb-throwing weirdo named… (The non-existent word "Punchinello" pops up in the text box) What? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: What’s with these games and its hard-to-pronounce names? (He realizes what he just said) Heh! That rhymed! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): After we beat the guy with the confusing name, we earn our third star. And after this mine cart ride, we get the mole kids home to his parents. When we get back outside, however, we see three baddies called "Snifits" trying to catch a beetle for someone called Booster who is keeping, and I’m quoting here; "The princess from the sky". That’s probably where Toadstool is. We make our way through Booster Way, and when we get to Booster Tower, Bowser’s already there. Here, he joins us, but since we can only have three people per battle, I swap him with Mallow, since Mallow’s a little bitch. (An explosion is heard as we cut back to the G-man looking to his right in shock) G-man: Crap! That was the… (He looks closer to his right) Mallow insult counter? I have that, too? (Cut back to the game) Booster: I’m Booster and this is my tower of amusement. Normally I welcome visitors to play with me and my Snifits. However, a girl fell out of the sky and into my lap, recently. Since then, I’ve been busy keeping her happy and entertained. I no longer have the time to play. So please enjoy yourself… At your own risk, that is! G-man (V.O): Okay, this guy CLEARLY doesn’t have people skills. Let’s move on and save Toadstool. Later on, Bowser obtains a new weapon; a Chain Chomp. But for some reason it’s just called "Chomp". C’mon, what’s with all the wrong names? Anyway, after climbing the tower some more, we finally reach Toadstool. Toadstool: Mario! You DID come to rescue me. I was so frightened and lonely. G-man (V.O): But the door is locked with some sort of spell by Booster. After a really hard puzzle, we learn that the password is… Mario? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Mario?! The password is Mario’s damn name? Who came up with this? Willy Wonka? (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): After another boss fight, we head to a place called, and I’m not joking, Marrymore! We quickly learn that Booster took Toadstool to the wedding hall to get married. And because Mario doesn’t ship it like FedEx, we head there to rescue her. (Cut to later in the game, Toadstool gives Mario a kiss, but Bowser and Booster are accidentally kissing as well. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Did I just witness a game with a bearded freak kissing a turtle? (He realizes what he just said) Dear lord, I can’t believe I said that… (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): As we’re about to leave, two of Booster’s personal chefs come in with the wedding cake, but as soon as we fight them, we find out that… (Cut to a clip from the original Frankenstein movie) Dr. Frankenstein: It’s alive! It’s alive! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): At the end of the fight, Booster eats the remainder of the monstrous cake. We then return Toadstool to the Mushroom Kingdom, and we tell her everything that happened so far. Toadstool: WHAT?! This is dreadful news! Awful! Horrible…! Isn’t it? (Cut back to the G-man facepalming) G-man: What’s her purpose? Really? (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): Toadstool decides to stay in the Mushroom Kingdom… (Cut to a clip from Blackadder) Hugh Laurie: Hurrah! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): But she sneaks out and joins us anyway. (Cut back to Blackadder) Hugh: Hurroo… (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): We go to Frogfucius who informs us that the next star has been spotted on Star Hill. (Cut to Star Hill. The ground is made of royal blue asteroids and there are star-shaped flowers everywhere) Whoa, I’m tripping out man! (Cut back to the G-man swaying his head side to side) G-man: Uh… I don’t feel so… (The G-man leans over to his left and vomits off-camera. Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): Here, if you interact with the stars with faces, they’ll tell you what wish they’ll grant once the Star Road is fixed. One of them asking for Mallow to return home. This is probably from his real parents. Eventually, we reach the next star. But this seems too easy… (The regular cutscene when you get a star happens with no interruptions. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Huh! I guess it WAS too easy! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): we then head to Seaside Town where shit doesn’t seem right. Everyone looks the same, and they’re all acting strangely. One of them accidentally informs us about where the next star is. It’s with a pirate. (Cut to a picture of Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean) Sadly, no. But that would’ve been a good crossover! (Cut back to the game) We then go to the village elder who gives us the same advice we’ve heard before. Seeing as how the pirate, who the villagers named him "Johnathan Jones", had our star, we head to the sea to retrieve it. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Wow! That was the most nonsense I’ve ever put into one sentence! This calls for a celebration! (He pulls out a party popper and pops it while cheering. Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): When we get to the sea, some mysterious, uh… Individual tells us that Johnathan’s ship sunk into the sea due to an attack by a giant squid. Some people went in to survey the damage, but none of them have returned… When we enter the sunken ship, we find multiple pages from the crew’s travel log. They explain that the giant squid is trapped in the treasure cellar along with the rest of the treasure. And possibly the next star. As soon as we enter, we fight the giant squid. Who is named… King Calamari? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Seeing as how the obvious joke to make is sushi-related, I’m instead going to show this clip: (Cut to a clip from the low-budget Godzilla movie) Man: That’s a lot of fish! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): After defeating him, we move on deeper into the ship. Eventually, we meet Johnathan Jones with our star. After a boss fight, we earn it. However, when we head back to Seaside Town, the Elder reveals that he’s actually part of Smithy’s gang named… (The non-existent word "Yaridovich" pops up) Uh… Let’s just call him "Tom". Tom explains that he’ll trade the star we found for peace to the real villagers, but every time you refuse, his minions tickle the real Elder. (There’s a moment of silence before the G-man speaks again) I’m serious. Yaridovich: Eee hee…! I guess we’ll have to take our disguises off now… GROUP formation! (Yaridovich and his minions merge together to form his real form. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: You know, scenes like this make me wonder if the creators gave up at these points… (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): After defeating Tom, we reclaim our star and move on to free the residents of Seaside. When we do, the real Elder gives us… One coin? One coin?! (Cut back to the G-man stammering) G-man: Whu-? Juh-? Buh-? ONE FUCKING COIN?! I just saved your asses, you reward me with a singular coin? Screw you! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): Anyway, this cheep Elder tells us that the next star is at a place called Land’s End. (Sarcastically) Yeah, that doesn’t sound threatening! (In normal tone) Actually, it’s just a mixture of places we’ve already been to. Later on, we fight Belome again, and after that, it’s on to Monstro Town. Here, one of the residents tells you where the next star really is, Bean Valley. But while we’re here, I might as well explain this really cool Easter egg: If you manage to open a sealed door with a shiny stone from Moleville, you fight a secret boss named Culex. An allusion to the Final Fantasy series. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Not only will you get loads of experience points when you defeat him, but he’ll also give you a Quartz Charm that will help your greatly in battles. (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): Bean Valley is like the Forest Maze, but with pipes and not-as-cool music. Near the end, we fight a Piranha Plant boss, and one of the flying Shy Guys scolds us while mentioning someone named Valentina. Eventually, we head to Nimbus Land. Here, we meet Valentina who reveals Prince Mallow. Clearly, it’s the wrong one. Mallow: Can you believe it?! What a coincidence! There’s a prince with the same name as ME! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: And this, kids, is what a moron looks like! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): When we enter the sculptor’s studio, we find a statue of Mallow. When we examine it, the sculptor comments that Mallow is the real prince. Mallow: WHAT?! I’m… I’m really a… Prince?! G-man (V.O): Durr, you think?! Anyway, with the help of the sculptor, we sneak into the castle. And after some more bullshit, we enter the throne room where Valentina reveals that she locked the real king and queen in their royal bedroom. After following her, we start a boss fight. After we defeat her, we rescue Mallow’s parents. Whom of which let’s Mallow accompany us. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: I know, I’m disappointed, too. (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): Our next stop is the volcano. After some running around, we encounter a boss named the Czar Dragon. (A record scratch is heard) Wait a minute, that’s Blargg! You know, one of the enemies from Super Mario World and a scrapped enemy from Super Mario 64? (Cut to a comparison. Blargg and the Czar Dragon look very similar) Yeah, that’s him! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Where was this game’s Speak and Say? (As the G-man speaks, pictures show up that are the opposite of what he’s naming) You know the rhinoceros? (Rooster) The hippo? (Kitten) The non-racist president that everyone loves? (Donald Trump) You know, stuff like that! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): Anyway, after beating the "Czar Dragon", we earn the sixth star. (The star warps away into the hands of Axem Red) Or… Not. The star is stolen by the Axem Rangers, who are obviously a parody to the Power Rangers, and we chase them out of the volcano and start up a boss fight. Afterwards, we earn it for real. When we head back to Nimbus Land, we take the quote end-quote "Royal Bus" to Bowser’s Keep where the last star is. And you know what that means! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man (Singing): It’s the final boss time! (He dances to the Final Countdown briefly before we cut back to the game) G-man (V.O talking): After some crap with doors, we fight another more of Smithy’s henchmen; a possessed, red Magikoopa, a giant swordsman named Boomer, and the sword from the beginning. After that last one, we get sucked in to Smithy’s world. (Smithy’s world is dark, and horror-like. Cut back to the G-man hiding behind his chair) G-man (In really high voice): Jesus Christ! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O in normal tone): After going through this horrifying world, we finally meet and fight Smithy. And after a long, hard boss fight, we defeat him and fix the Star Road. Beating the game in the process. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: And that was Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars! Wow, what a game! There’s a theory out there that Smithy may still be alive, so if Nintendo confirms that, we may have a sequel! I loved this game, and I think you will, too. (He sighs happily) This is really looking up to me! I mean, two great things in a row? That’s incredible! Well, let’s make it three. What do we have next time? (Cut to the poster for Barney’s Musical Castle briefly. Cut back to the G-man sighing again. This time in annoyance) G-man: I am the G-man, that’s all you need to know about that, and if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to find someone to help me with this purple bastard again… Category:Episode